Painting Bipolar Disorder

Originally posted on Behind These Hazel Eyes:
“Try painting what a bipolar diagnosis feels like,” my therapist told me. “It doesn’t work like that,” I explained.  “I paint, but I paint things.  Like, you know, pheasants or whatever.” “Um, pheasants?”  Her pencil hovered over the notepad. “Yeah, I painted a pheasant a while back because my…

An Invisible Battle

If you are sensitive to or offended by cussing, please… do me a huge favor, and close out of this blog.   I don’t really know how to even begin this post. I’m feeling a lot. More than I have felt in a while. I’ve been doing so fucking well. Ya know?   Like what’s…

rhinopharyngitis (rhi-no-phar-yn-gi-tis)

Rhinopharyngitis. Rhino-Pharyngitis.   I imagine a rhino with laryngitis. Or a disease caused by spending too much time around rhinos. Or maybe a street name for a guy who sells drugs… “His name is Rhino-Pharyngitis, but he goes by Rhino for short. He sells the best stuff.”   Well, I’ve had rhinopharyngitis this past week….

The Gift of Tears

I’m in a new season. And I don’t mean like a Tennessee kind of season, where you have no idea if it’s Winter or Summer. It’s clearly a new season.   It’s a season that has greeted me with the gift of tears.   Everything I find security in is about to be gone. Wow….

To the Guy who Sexually Abused Me

**I’ve thought about what to title this post for a while now, and although what I’ve chosen is a little blunt and may make any reader uncomfortable, you have no questions as to what this post is going to be about… but if I’m being honest, this post isn’t intended to be for any of…

Cold Coffee and Bad Jokes

Today I’m sitting in a coffee shop drawing weird shit in my notebook and listening to music without words.   It’s nothing unusual.   But as I’ve been focusing on these things, I’ve intermittently forgotten about the reason why I actually ended up in this coffee shop… for the coffee. More than anyone else on…

My Real Life Bible Story with Contemporary Cussing

I made a comment the other night to a couple of friends that if one could lose his or her salvation, “hypothetically,” then this semester would be that time for me… I think it is finally time to process that now that this semester is over.   And forgive me for using this space to…

Hurricanes and Weird Analogies

So universities are closed for Winter Break… therefore, inevitably, I’ve made my way back home.   Home is hard. All the time. But especially during holidays. Especially during Winter months.   Bipolar disorder and Winter don’t exactly mix well. Actually, mixing the two is similar to putting an umbrella up in a hurricane. The umbrella…

False Intimacy and Attachments

Tonight, I am the most frustrated.   I would say that I am a fairly relational person; I crave healthy relationships and intimacy with others. Now, I don’t mean some sort of weird sexual intimacy with people, but genuine, healthy, communal intimacy with friends and family. I desire to know and to be known, and…

To Be Known

“If anyone figures out who you really are, then they’re going to know you’re a fraud.”   This echoed in my mind this past week at my counseling session, as my counselor and I explored this fear that I have. People talk all the time about “masks.” Don’t wear a mask. Be genuine. Let people…

meet me in my brokenness

Around 9 o’clock last night, I found myself driving in circles around town yelling at God. If it’s a sin to cuss while praying, then today, I am the chief of all sinners. I was so mad.   After two weeks of stability, a week where for the first time in my life I could…

Maybe Mania

I’m finding that oftentimes, when discussing bipolar disorder, we only discuss the depression side of things. Rarely is mania ever a focus. This is most likely because mania seems, on the surface, to be a very good thing. I mean, hey… I have more energy, I am more creative, I am super confident… But what…