Two weeks ago, I would’ve confidently told you that I am stepping into the fullness of my destiny during this season.
However, this week, I will tell you the many doubts and concerns and longings that have made stepping into destiny kinda shitty.
Stupidly, I assumed that stepping into my destiny suggested that the entirety of my identity would be working at the heights of its capacity; but that’s not where I am.
I’m still that girl who wants to be left alone more days than being with people in the week; I’m still that girl who wants to go drink a beer and sit on her rooftop under the stars because the stars are more enjoyable than human interaction; I’m still that girl who wants to runaway and get lost on backroads only to realize it’s getting dark outside and pull out her already dying phone to find her way back via GPS; I’m still that same girl who needs more than just a cup of coffee a day to survive; I’m still that same stubborn girl who is terrible at consistently taking her meds; I’m still me, just in a new place, with new people, and a thousand new stressors.
I miss the people who know me deeply and intimately. And I feel like a fool some days coming to a place apart from the depths of intimacy, vulnerability, and authenticity that I established with people that I would give nearly anything at this point to remain in community alongside. I left comfortability. I left certainty. I left college. And it’s kinda shitty.
Every time I ride in a car down a windy backroad, I’m reminded of memories of people who would steal me away and drive just to have time alone to process and remember that there’s beauty outside of the chaos of the day to day struggles. Every time I pull a limb off a pine tree, I’m reminded of the joys of intimacy and the fun of friendship that comes with spontaneous giftings. Every time I go some place new, I’m reminded of the excitement and innocence in adventuring with friends. Truly, I think I would love the place I am more if I had brought home with me. And home, for me, is found in the people I love.
I’m finding that beauty is boring apart from another soul being connected to that experience. Adventure is mundane when you don’t have the enjoyment of someone provoking you to approach every day and every moment with wonder. It’s all meaningless apart from love.
And this is where I will sit for days if I fail to remember that Jesus is worthy of me letting go of all comfort and all certainty. Then I have to also remind my soul that Jesus is supposed to be enough. And if I’m being honest, right now, he isn’t. Right now, I want to buy a plane ticket and surprise my home. I want to give everything up in pursuit of these friends, rather than this Man. And yes, I recognize that is a horrible disposition of the soul, but I recognize more that if I were to pretend the opposite, then it would be a lie.
I’m grateful that it’s only by the Holy Spirit’s moving that I’m capable of recognizing the sinful disposition of my soul. I’m grateful that Jesus isn’t surprised by my shitty forms of love. I’m grateful that humility looks like realizing that I’m so human that it hurts and I can’t do anything of any worth apart from Christ. I’m grateful that the longings of my heart today will be changed into longings of a lovesick Bride waiting for Jesus.
Today, I really suck. Tomorrow, I will still really suck. But one day, I’ll be made new and I’ll be with Jesus. This is grace: that even though I suck, he keeps letting me try to love him in my feebleness and frailty.
Jesus, I love you. It’s not much, and my yes is so weak. But I love you. Remind my soul that I really do love you. And it’s only because you loved me first.