Fingers Crossed.

Today I had a doctor appointment. It was just a standard yearly exam with my PCP–nothing very noteworthy, that is, other than a conversation I had with her that I’ve realized is nearly the entire narrative of my life lately. So back in 2015, the original concern that I may be bipolar was initiated by…

Keep Watch with Me.

Jesus is the coolest, am I right or am I right? But if I’m being honest, I’ve had a really hard time relating the God-Man—a holy, perfect, blameless Deity—with the… mentally ill me. And I know the Scriptures… mostly. Like let’s peep Hebrews real quick: For we do not have a high priest who cannot…

A Letter to the Moon

Today is the first day in four weeks that the fog in my head is starting to dissipate, and I am fully aware that it all may return tonight or tomorrow or maybe not until sometime in the next few weeks. And because of this awareness, I’m making sure I take advantage of this headspace…

future plans.

I’m doing the best I can with the brain I have. And I’m finding a reason each day to get out of bed and make it til the end of the day.  Granted, on days that I can just stay in bed, that’s what I’m choosing to do. Because I’m a grown ass woman and…

III

Three years ago, I got the luxury of coming to terms with the fact that if you decide to lie on a couch while watching football and you don’t explicitly say, “Hey, I don’t actually want to have sex with you,” to the male in the room, then you’re clearly inviting him to forcefully turn…

Running East into Darkness

I’m going to be honest here for a minute – as if I’ve ever used this platform as anything less than an outlet for my most honest self. For the majority of my younger years, I struggled with anger issues. I’d get in trouble at school more than I would get gold stars from my…

Probably.

Today has been a day… well, actually–it’s been a week. A week of, “What the fuck is happening inside my brain?” A week of, “Do people actually care about my existence or nah?” A week of battling all the lies that keep trying to convince me that how I feel at the moment is how…

A Musician, An Artist, and A Writer Become My Friends

I’ve not been able to cry for months now. At first, I thought it was the anti-depressants just breaking my brain or something, but then when I changed my dosage, still there were no tears to follow. I’ve recently come to realize that I’ve essentially told my heart that it doesn’t get to speak loud…

Remember

Remember that one time I blogged and said I was going to try to write weekly about my journey towards wholeness? Well, it’s been almost three weeks now and I’ve had two counseling sessions since I last wrote. I mean, consistency sucks sometimes because I don’t really want to tell three people what’s going on…

Hello My Old Heart

There’s a phrase people use often that I relates well to my ups and downs of life… I’m falling into the feels. And for whatever reason, this tends to only be attributed to developing feelings for someone romantically; however, this isn’t where I’m falling. Rather, I’m falling into a new season of feeling a lot….

On Days When I Hate How I Look

Last night, I looked in the mirror and hated everything about the way I looked. I became mad that I would even be out in public looking as unkept and, dare I say, masculine as I did last night. Then I became sad. Then I became very anxious. It was time to go home. I…

Blind Obedience Through My Weakest Yes

If I’m being brutally honest with myself, I’d have to admit that I am addicted to self harm… and I honestly don’t see a problem with it. Initially, burning myself was simply my way of tangibly feeling the intangible emotions that overwhelmed me, but over time, I’m finding that it’s quickly becoming a tool of…